


Whipped Cream and Sopor Pie

by meganechicken



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pesterchum and Trollian log hell, Recreational Drug Use, Species Swap, aka 'In Which Two Dorks Bake and Get Baked'
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meganechicken/pseuds/meganechicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaynne Croker has been watching James “Gamzee” Makara for awhile. She's seen what one might call a rough life; complete with a dysfunctional family, questionable liquors, and pies gone absolutely wrong. Jaynne doesn’t even know where to begin with this grotesque alien, nonetheless, how to start TALKING to him. Although she’d like to stay as faraway from this human as possible, life seems to have other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Friends

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  began trolling  TerminallyCapricious [TC] at 07:45 

GG: )(ello! Erm... James, was it?

GG: I'm Jaynne. Nice to meet you.

         Your name is Gamzee Makara (your papa calls you James though, and eh. That’s cool you guess. Gamzee’s much cooler though) and you were told never to talk to strangers. You think.

         It’s easy to forget useless shit like that. And what kind of rule was that anyways? Don’t you know that the only way a motherfucker could make motherfucking friends was to motherfucking talk to strangers? Some fucker didn’t think this through. Maybe that fucker didn’t have much friends. You hope they know better now. 

         Anyways, because that rule is utter bullshit, you decided to keep talking to this chick on Pesterchum. Besides, she seemed nice.

TC: yeah, thats my name

TC: but you can call me gamzee :o)

TC: pleased to meet you, my most wicked of sisters

GG: ...T)(e feeling is mutual, Gamzee.

         You think you two are going to get along just fine.


	2. Pests

Of course. By golly, of _course_.

         You, of all people had to talk to him.

         Your name is Jaynne Croker and you really, really don’t want to talk to these humans. Sure, they’re… “fascinating”, in a sense, but you’d rather not converse with aliens who still considered digital arm televisions to be _cool_. And even so, what could you say? You’ve had a chance to see their human science fiction and see how mundane it truly was; And besides, you’re very sure that trolls never droned like robots who wanted to eat another species brains.

          …Okay, so maybe you couldn’t speak for all of your species, but that’s besides the point. You’ve been given a simple task, and you were going to do it right.

         You decide to communicate with this human at a particularly early stage of their life. They don’t seem to be a grub anymore at this point, but they’re still under the care of their questionable lusus. How strange.

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  began trolling  TerminallyCapricious [TC] at 07:45 

GG: )(ello! I’ve )(ad the… pleasure of overseeing w)(at appeared to be your entire life up to t)(is point. You wouldn’t believe how delig)(tful it was to watc)( your dysfunctional )(uman lusus toil endlessly to support your fruitless )(abits. :B

           No, no, no, delete delete delete. Let’s be civil here, shall we? Okay, here’s another try. 

GG: )(ello! Erm... James, was it?

GG: I'm Jaynne. Nice to meet you.

         And you waited for about three seconds before a reply came.

TC: yeah, thats my name

TC: but you can call me gamzee :o)

TC: pleased to meet you, my most wicked of sisters

GG: ...T)(e feeling is mutual, Gamzee.

         Okay. He seemed nice. Friendly, even. Perhaps you thought too ill of him too soon. You decide to be honest and frank. Blunt.

GG: )(m. Yes.

GG: I’ve noticed t)(at about your species; you're all rather friendly. You really are different from my own.

GG: You see, unlike you, I’m not a )(uman. I’m a troll. :B

         His reply is instantaneous.

TC: aight

         Wow.

GG: And erm, we’re on a meteor rig)(t now as I speak.

GG: By ‘we’, I mean, my friends and I.

GG: We’ve been trying to contact you and your friends, but t)(ere’s so many of you!

GG: And not all of t)(em are as, well... willing to talk as you are.

TC: well thats the shit aint it

         You’re beginning to question whether or not he’s taking you seriously. You could probably babble hysterically and he wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. Hm. You decide that testing this theory wouldn’t hurt.

GG: Listen, t)(is is probably all )(ard to believe, but )(onestly. You can ask me anyt)(ing about you, and I would know t)(e answer.

GG: I’ve been given a timeline of your life from birt)( all t)(e way to your awkward post-grub sweeps. I’ve literally watc)(ed your own life unfold before my very eyes and witnessed t)(e gains and losses of )(uman c)(ild)(ood innocence.

GG: I )(ave seen t)(e burden t)(at you’ve been born wit)(, and t)(e ways you’ve decided to cope wit)( your inner demons. I )(ave seen w)(at you )(ave been, are, and will become.

GG: I )(ave seen everyt)(ing, and t)(ere is not)(ing to )(ide.

         There’s an actual pause that takes place after you send these messages. Seconds walk by and you start to doubt your decision. Maybe you went a bit too far there, oh dear goodnes-- 

TC: cool

         Nevermind. You’re going to have quite a bit of fun here.


	3. Colors

          It’s a few days after your first chit-chat that you hear from that chick again.

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  began trolling  TerminallyCapricious [TC] at 05:00 

GG: Well. 

GG: Is Mr. Vantas always so upset? 

GG: I tried talking to )(im and well…

GG: Needless to say, I don’t t)(ink )(e knows )(ow to )(ave a nice conversation. :B

GG: And t)(at’s odd, coming from your species!

TC: oh 

TC: karbro right? 

TC: man he's the shit 

GG: So you agree t)(at )(e’s t)(e )(uman equivalent of )(uman food droppings? 

TC: nah sis

TC: i meant

TC: hes THE shit

TC: like damn he always seems like he’s about to fuckin blow off his top but

TC: hes wicked cool, jaynne

GG: Really now? 

GG: Wit)( someone so polar opposite of you, I’d t)(ink t)(at you two were…

GG: Caliginous.

          The fuck.

GG: Sorry for jumping to conclusions t)(ere! I’ll make sure not to do wrong wit)( your flus)(ed relations)(ip, )(oo )(oo!

TC: the fuck is a calengous

TC: callignuos

TC: fuck

GG: Caliginous.

GG: You know? Black, but not quite as)(en?

TC: uh

TC: jaynne, i hate to break it to you but

TC: i may be as baked as fuck but i can still make out colors

TC: and im sure karbro aint black 

TC: last i checked, he looked hispanic

GG: W)(at.

          After several hours of trying to get your new friend to understand that your best friend wasn’t black or ashen or red or whatever the hell she was thinking, she seemed to get it. 

GG: I give UP.

GG: T)(ere's so many different kinds of you )(umans! And t)(ere's even mixes!!

GG: Is t)(at )(ow you base your power structure?

TC: eh

TC: its just how shit is

TC: you can ask my best friend about said race shit

TC: he can go off about it for as long as the day is long

GG: )(m. I see.

GG: It's not nearly as efficient as our )(emospectrum, but it works, I suppose.

TC: how bout you trolls?

GG: Us? 

GG: Well, you see, we trolls all )(ave gray skin so t)(at w)(ole 'race' s)(ebang )(as never been an issue.

GG: It's all about w)(at's inside.

TC: aw

GG: I meant our blood, Gamzee.

TC: aw

GG: Yes, quite.

GG: If you're like me, wit)( um,

GG: Fusc)(ia blood, t)(en you're at t)(e very top of t)(e food c)(ain. 

GG: In fact, we trolls usually c)(ange our font color to matc)( t)(at of our blood, just to make it clear as to w)(o you're referring to.

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  changed to GutsyGumshoe [GG]

GG: Like so. 

GG: I prefer not to use t)(is color t)(oug)(.

TC: kay so

TC: let me get this shit straight

TC: youre like a

TC: motherfucking queen of trollandia

TC: aight?

GG: I... I suppose so.

TC: fuck man

TC: thats fucking cool

TC: how does it feel being on top, sis?

GG: )(m. 

          You wait several minutes before she answers. 

GG: It's fine.

TC: nice

GG: I'd prefer to keep t)(is under wraps, if you don't mind.

TC: aint no problem with me

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  changed to GutsyGumshoe [GG]

GG: Much better. 

For some reason, you felt like your new friend here wasn't being honest (blunt, even) anymore.


	4. Baking

You immediately regret contacting Gamzee. After your second conversation, you’ve been receiving messages almost _constantly_ ; all of which consist of poorly structured descriptions of his daily happenings, whether that be some intriguing dog or a ridiculous recording of him rapping. You consider sharing these recordings with DiStri, but decide against it– Human God knows what would happen to your friend’s sanity once they have to deal with… with _this_ every single day.

         And the odd thing is?

         You haven’t even blocked him. Wait, no, backtrack. _He_ should be the one blocking you! At least, you know, temporarily.

         …Right. You need to set things straight with this human.

         You have no business ‘befriending’ those who ruined any chance of you and your friend’s victory– that’s ridiculous.

         As soon as you’re able, you log onto Trollian and instantly look into the viewport.

         What you see isn’t exactly what you had expected.

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  began trolling  TerminallyCapricious [TC] at 10:55 

GG: Gamzee.

GG: Are t)(ose...

GG: Brownies?

GG: I just so )(appened to notice t)(e brown c)(ocolatey goodness on your plate.

GG: And t)(e fact t)(at you seem… more spaced-out t)(an usual, w)(ic)( says somet)(ing.

GG: Are you alrigh)(t?

TC: aw

TC: you all up and checkin on me?

GG: Well, we can't )(ave you getting )(urt, can we?

         Wait, no. You’ve got to be assertive here, Jaynne.

GG: But yes.

GG: Yes I am.

GG: C)(ecking on you, I mean.

GG: Yes.

           On your viewport, you can see the human smirking and if your concern wasn’t greater than your embarrassment, you would’ve left the room with the most brilliant shade of fuchsia on your face.

GG: Well.

GG: Are you?

         You pretend not to hear him snickering away in his bedroom.

TC: jaynne

TC: you ever get baked

         The question delights you more than anything, even if Gamzee's grammar was a bit off. To think that Gamzee and you actually shared a common interest. Hm.

GG: I do bake, yes.

TC: no like

TC: you ever get like

TC: baked as fuck

TC:to the point where you see all shades of motherfucking colors and miraculous happenings

TC: like where you can almost fucking TOUCH the magic and all sorts of horsewhimsy

TC: and actually go lay a shit and see that its holy

GG: Um.

GG: I'm not sure w)(at you put into your batter, but no?

GG: Is t)(is some sort of )(uman baking tradition?

TC: its the shit, thats what it is

TC: the shit

GG: )(m.

GG: I'm curious.

GG: W)(at kind of 's)(it' are we talking about )(ere?

TC: ;o)

         To your surprise, you receive a notification.

TerminallyCapricious [TC]  sent file: ‘[theshit.jpg](https://49.media.tumblr.com/b81e4d074a9a7bab10cd993e4cb18a0a/tumblr_o36q2hs3tv1uzy9tzo1_400.gif)’

           And to your surprise, you accept said notification.

TC: this, my most wicked of sisters, is the shit

GG: )(m.

         You’re not sure if you’ve seen anything like this on Alternia, but if you’re going to be honest, you wanted to try it.

GG: I wonder if I can obtain any of t)(is 's)(it' anyw)(ere. At least, )(ere.

TC: :o( 

TC: im not sure if trollandias all what i thought it up to be if there aint no good shit there

GG: Well, Gamzee, we mig)(t )(ave some sort of substitute over )(ere. Mind elaborating?

TC: :o0

TC: do you have any troll elixirs or junk that make you feel

TC: outta this world and trippin

         You’re not sure if you should be more surprised that you actually _do_ know something along those lines or that you’re actually considering his question.

GG: Yes, actually. But it's referred as somet)(ing else t)(an 't)(e s)(it'.

GG: We call it 'sopor slime', but it's not good for your t)(inking pan, if I'm being honest )(ere.

GG: One mig)(t say it's detrimental for you.

TC: if you wanna take care of your tupperware, thats motherfuckin fine with me sis

TC: but if you wanna experience the fucking messiahs kicking down your door and offering you the greatest motherfuckin miracles then

TC: ive got somethin for you

TC: a makara secret passed from one bro to another

TC: now from me to you, sis ;o)

TerminallyCapricious [TC]  sent file: ‘[;o).doc](https://40.media.tumblr.com/a3bdd48e4886f16b53b6b1b54eb94093/tumblr_o36r2ezFQ21uzy9tzo1_540.png)’

         You skeptically download Gamzee’s recipe, and besides the addition of whoever this ‘Mary Jane’ person was, (and whatever the hell faygo was) it seemed rather mundane more than anything.

GG: So brownie mix is my one-way )(uman transportation slip to experiencing a spiritual and eup)(oric )(ig)(?

GG: I )(ave to admit, Gamzee. I )(ave my doubts.

TC: its all in the magic sis

Tc: all in the magic ;o)

GG: Well... fine. I'll give t)(is a s)(ot. W)(y not, anyways?

GG: If I'm not seeing the )(uman Sufferer )(imself, t)(en I'm filing a complaint. >:B

GutsyGumshoe [GG]  ceased trolling  TerminallyCapricious [TC] at 11:15 

         As a troll of your word, you leave the communication room and head straight for the kitchen of your meteor.


End file.
